Beginnings

I haven't had much time to write here this week but I wanted to share something I read that had me thinking of beginnings or newness or firsts.  I'll share below what was written in the book "Girls Night Out" a book of short stories from many female writers.  The excerpt is from the last story "The End" which was really a sad story, but it had the following which, as I said, got me to thinking...

You can't beat the first relaxing slide into a warm bath filled with bubbles...your first steps outside in a new pair of shoes...your first night out in a new outfit that makes you feel half the size, shiny and new...the first half hour of a movie when you're trying to figure out what's going on...the first few minutes of work after lunch or coffee break when you feel energized...the first few minutes of conversation after bumping into someone you have seen for years ...the first kiss on a first date...

At the beginning, things are special, new exciting, innocent, untouched and unspoiled by experience or boredom...

Just thinking of what she wrote above, the new and fresh feelings that come when you experience new things made me feel good.  It started me thinking of other "new" or "firsts" that I have loved (and still do)...

- A freshly made bed - the fresh smell of the laundered sheets, the smooth cool feeling as you slide your legs between the sheets, the fresh sheet tuck that hasn't been pulled out by your legs kicking at night.

- Jumping into the lake or pool - the cool, but exhilarating feeling, heart pounding, shrieking, but loving it and then the comfort that comes as your body adjusts to the temperature.

- As the author wrote above, the first kiss with a new love - the new smell of them, taste of them, feel of their lips on yours that, if it's good, is VERY good...

- Freshly shampooed hair with no "product" in it

- The first bit of a good pizza - the whole pizza tastes really good, but the first bite is the best.  I actually find that with most food - it's the first bite I love the best.

- That first drink of cold water after working very hard and you're thirsty.  Ahhh!  Even if I get "brain freeze", that first drink of water is soooo good!

- Getting a bit naughty here, but the very beginning of intercourse, when he first enters you.  That causes an automatic intake of breath because it feels like nothing you've ever felt before, but also every good feeling you've ever had and you never want it to stop.

- Putting on a fresh pair of socks--in the fall--when you haven't worn socks for a while.  It's so warm and cozy on your feet.

- The smell of freshly mown grass

- The fresh smell after a big rainfall

- The first snow that hasn't been touched by person, animal, or vehicle.  So crisp and white...

- A new book, the first time you open it to read it, being careful not to break the spine.  The smell of the paper and type.

- Putting on freshly washed pajamas.  So soft and comforting.

- The new greenery of perennials pushing up from the ground in the spring, with you knowing this is just the beginning of the colors that are going to be alive in your garden this year

- A robin in the spring - knowing that even though there may be a bit more snow, spring is here!

- The geese flying south in the fall - knowing that the environment around you is getting ready for a winter's nap that will refresh itself

- The crisp fresh air first thing in the morning in the fall

- Waking up on the weekend after sleeping in, the sun shining, knowing the day is yours to seize as you wish

- The first time you realize something new about yourself that is wonderful - an epiphany, or "aha" moment.
- The beginning of a new project, when you're so excited to see how it's going to turn out.

There are tons more I'm sure.  And thinking of these, make me feel happy! 

It also gets me to thinking though, of the gratitude that is also important to feel for the things that are not new or exciting or fresh...

- The truck we've been driving for 7 years now, but still starts first thing, gets great gas mileage, and still looks good too

- The house we bought 9 years ago that still isn't the house of our dreams, is still a work in progress, but is our home base, our place to plug in and recharge. 

- Those shoes that have been broken in so well that your feet feel as if they could walk forever in them.

- The family that we may not have chosen if we had a choice, but are always there when we need them, love us, maybe not always accept us, but still keep coming back...because we're family...

- The job we've had for 10 years that keeps changing over and over again, but you know inside and out and no matter what else is going on, you can go there and get the job done.

- The garden that has too many weeds in it, but also grows beautiful perennials

- The friends who know us as well as we know ourselves and provide a great sounding board when we're not feeling too sure of ourself

Thanks for reading...

C.

Receiving Project - Day 1 - August 27, 2010

A few weeks back, I heard about the Receiving Project by Jo Anna Rothman and had every intention of starting it then, but, you know how it is...we get going on "life" and forget about our great intentions.  But...this week, I was reminded again, when I came across a blog of someone who is following the Receiving Project.  I was inspired to start again, but hadn't written anything down.  And then yesterday, August 27, I felt that I received a few gifts and thought--"this is my day one for me of the Receiving Project". 

I have been having a lot of trouble lately with feelings of lack and jealousy.  These are feelings that I'm not only uncomfortable with, but really do not wish to feel at all.  But...perhaps I need to--to get to the other side of them.

It's really all feelings of lack that came about because earlier this year, I spent waaaaayyyy too much money that I really didn't have and then when everything came due, even my regular living expenses, I found I was really in a financial bind.  I had to take the insurance off my car, borrow some of the money I owed from my mother (which brought it's own feelings of unworthiness and immaturity).  This helped with a huge bill that was due at the beginning of August, but...I promised to pay my mother back by the end of September, so life is still financially tough.  And, I know this is my "fault", my responsibility, so I am focusing on getting through this and learning the lessons I "should" have learned a long time ago.  This financial trouble is the latest in a long line of difficulties that I've had.  But, this time feels different for some reason.  I have made the decision to not take the easy way out and get another loan--get more in debt.  But to "tighten" my belt and pay as much as I can on my bills and buy groceries last--there hasn't been any extra for anything else.  It has been tough but...I can hold my head up high because I'm making the tough decisions, contacting my creditors and making payment arrangements, following through on them, earning some extra money, etc..  I've had to miss some important events that I would have LOVED to go to that I also felt would  have been very HELPFUL to me, but...I had to make the "right" decision financially.

So...that is why the feelings of lack and jealousy have been with me for a while--again, I've been really trying to not feel that way as I know that this situation is of my own making and I will be better for it, once I'm through it--which should be shortly thankfully.

I guess that's why I wanted to be a part of the Receiving Project, but also why I didn't follow through with it either.

So...getting back to yesterday...I have been coming to terms with my financial situation and realizing that I'm doing the "right" thing and am going to get through this better and with more self-knowledge and self-respect.  A minister at the spiritual home I had been going to asked me if I wanted a treatment (affirmative prayer) for prosperity, I asked for a treatment for prosperity and peace of mind (I've also been struggling with my emotions--another story, another day).  So the treatment was and is a great gift (gift #1).  Also, I had run out of cat food and needed to borrow some money from my brother--it hurt me to ask but it wasn't for me and I knew I could pay him back in a couple of days--he was more than happy to help as he knows how hard I'm trying and also told me that he thought I could pay it by helping him around his house (gift #2); an e-mail from one of the Director's where I work letting me know that I was respected/appreciated (gift #3); picking up extra shifts in September from my part-time job (gift #4); the wind at my back when biking home from work (gift #5).

During all of this situation I have been trying to focus on gratitude as I know that, ultimately, I do have a great life and this is just something I need to go through right now.  For some reason, though, yesterday it all just felt like I'd turned a corner.

Thanks for listening!

C.