A few weeks back, I heard about the
Receiving Project by Jo Anna Rothman and had every intention of starting it then, but, you know how it is...we get going on "life" and forget about our great intentions. But...this week, I was reminded again, when I came across a blog of someone who is following the Receiving Project. I was inspired to start again, but hadn't written anything down. And then yesterday, August 27, I felt that I received a few gifts and thought--"this is my day one for me of the Receiving Project".
I have been having a lot of trouble lately with feelings of lack and jealousy. These are feelings that I'm not only uncomfortable with, but really do not wish to feel at all. But...perhaps I need to--to get to the other side of them.
It's really all feelings of lack that came about because earlier this year, I spent waaaaayyyy too much money that I really didn't have and then when everything came due, even my regular living expenses, I found I was really in a financial bind. I had to take the insurance off my car, borrow some of the money I owed from my mother (which brought it's own feelings of unworthiness and immaturity). This helped with a huge bill that was due at the beginning of August, but...I promised to pay my mother back by the end of September, so life is still financially tough. And, I know this is my "fault", my responsibility, so I am focusing on getting through this and learning the lessons I "should" have learned a long time ago. This financial trouble is the latest in a long line of difficulties that I've had. But, this time feels different for some reason. I have made the decision to not take the easy way out and get another loan--get more in debt. But to "tighten" my belt and pay as much as I can on my bills and buy groceries last--there hasn't been any extra for anything else. It has been tough but...I can hold my head up high because I'm making the tough decisions, contacting my creditors and making payment arrangements, following through on them, earning some extra money, etc.. I've had to miss some important events that I would have LOVED to go to that I also felt would have been very HELPFUL to me, but...I had to make the "right" decision financially.
So...that is why the feelings of lack and jealousy have been with me for a while--again, I've been really trying to not feel that way as I know that this situation is of my own making and I will be better for it, once I'm through it--which should be shortly thankfully.
I guess that's why I wanted to be a part of the Receiving Project, but also why I didn't follow through with it either.
So...getting back to yesterday...I have been coming to terms with my financial situation and realizing that I'm doing the "right" thing and am going to get through this better and with more self-knowledge and self-respect. A minister at the spiritual home I had been going to asked me if I wanted a treatment (affirmative prayer) for prosperity, I asked for a treatment for prosperity and peace of mind (I've also been struggling with my emotions--another story, another day). So the treatment was and is a great gift (gift #1). Also, I had run out of cat food and needed to borrow some money from my brother--it hurt me to ask but it wasn't for me and I knew I could pay him back in a couple of days--he was more than happy to help as he knows how hard I'm trying and also told me that he thought I could pay it by helping him around his house (gift #2); an e-mail from one of the Director's where I work letting me know that I was respected/appreciated (gift #3); picking up extra shifts in September from my part-time job (gift #4); the wind at my back when biking home from work (gift #5).
During all of this situation I have been trying to focus on gratitude as I know that, ultimately, I do have a great life and this is just something I need to go through right now. For some reason, though, yesterday it all just felt like I'd turned a corner.
Thanks for listening!
C.
